My Thoughts On Heaven

Its not that I don't desire the theory of heaven; for if I have not I would not at all have attempted to be a good servent under God. The idea of heaven though gives me hope and haunts me at the same time because even though I am fairly decent person...it doesn't mean that I deserve (or in my case want) to live an ever-lasting life. Because all things have to end at one time or another...a story book always closes, the pray falls to the predator and the human heart stops beating after he has fulfilled his personal purpose and in my logical mind that is the way things need to be...no matter how much of a bleeding heart you are! The circle of life must go on and be utterly harsh and merciless while doing it, but heaven seems to be the complete opposite to what God created on earth. No one dies and nothing ends, we all just endure on and on forever-more as if it were an everlasting day! I have many reservations about such a plan and such a world...because I want and I need things to end someday wither my life is good or bad! I am not just good natured to please God; I am anyway because above all I must fulfill my own moral compass before I tackle God's! I-however want to end but not in Hell and nor in the Gates of Heaven; I just want to cease existing...I need to be at peace for once in my life and mind and not be in a state of existance (anywhere in heaven or on earth!) And as for any reward (such as heaven) for any good works I might have done which seem like few, I did not ask God for such a reward; the same as I never asked any divine being for my life on earth. I don't want God to reward me with heaven...because I already have my reward which is feeling happy whenever I open the door for an elder, or pick up a toy for a baby...that is MY reward...NOT heaven! Heaven is one of the last goals (in my life) to enter my mind because it seems the most minute. Being kind to another living being and realizing that we are all indeed equall under Heaven is enough of a reward for me...I ask and want no more and if God was a loving God like he claims then he would make my entire being vanish as if I never was because that would be a mercy for him to do! It baffles me however why there is a heaven or a reward for us at all in the end of time...its not like we as evil, flithy beings whom betrayed and abandoned God deserve such a gift (especially when God's son had to come and sacrifice himself to save our sinful souls!) What is there to reward anyway? If being selfless, kind and giving is what God expects from humanity anyway...shouldn't we be satisfied with that and call that our "heaven"? Does God really have to promise that something good will come to us in order for us to act like decent and good human beings? If so what does that say about us and our motives? Any kindness anyone does show isn't merely a good act from the heart, but their selfish hope that they shall see the light of day in heaven! Being a kind person should be enough of a reward and we shouldn't strive to see heaven, we should be gentle, kind, loving and giving because we want to be and because we are good souls...not just because we don't wish to see the flames of hell.