My Thoughts On Heaven

Its not that I don't desire the theory of heaven; for if I have not I would not at all have attempted to be a good servent under God. The idea of heaven though gives me hope and haunts me at the same time because even though I am fairly decent person...it doesn't mean that I deserve (or in my case want) to live an ever-lasting life. Because all things have to end at one time or another...a story book always closes, the pray falls to the predator and the human heart stops beating after he has fulfilled his personal purpose and in my logical mind that is the way things need to be...no matter how much of a bleeding heart you are! The circle of life must go on and be utterly harsh and merciless while doing it, but heaven seems to be the complete opposite to what God created on earth. No one dies and nothing ends, we all just endure on and on forever-more as if it were an everlasting day! I have many reservations about such a plan and such a world...because I want and I need things to end someday wither my life is good or bad! I am not just good natured to please God; I am anyway because above all I must fulfill my own moral compass before I tackle God's! I-however want to end but not in Hell and nor in the Gates of Heaven; I just want to cease existing...I need to be at peace for once in my life and mind and not be in a state of existance (anywhere in heaven or on earth!) And as for any reward (such as heaven) for any good works I might have done which seem like few, I did not ask God for such a reward; the same as I never asked any divine being for my life on earth. I don't want God to reward me with heaven...because I already have my reward which is feeling happy whenever I open the door for an elder, or pick up a toy for a baby...that is MY reward...NOT heaven! Heaven is one of the last goals (in my life) to enter my mind because it seems the most minute. Being kind to another living being and realizing that we are all indeed equall under Heaven is enough of a reward for me...I ask and want no more and if God was a loving God like he claims then he would make my entire being vanish as if I never was because that would be a mercy for him to do! It baffles me however why there is a heaven or a reward for us at all in the end of time...its not like we as evil, flithy beings whom betrayed and abandoned God deserve such a gift (especially when God's son had to come and sacrifice himself to save our sinful souls!) What is there to reward anyway? If being selfless, kind and giving is what God expects from humanity anyway...shouldn't we be satisfied with that and call that our "heaven"? Does God really have to promise that something good will come to us in order for us to act like decent and good human beings? If so what does that say about us and our motives? Any kindness anyone does show isn't merely a good act from the heart, but their selfish hope that they shall see the light of day in heaven! Being a kind person should be enough of a reward and we shouldn't strive to see heaven, we should be gentle, kind, loving and giving because we want to be and because we are good souls...not just because we don't wish to see the flames of hell.

Death And Heaven-My Opinion

I've always had a morbid interest in death...as a child I wanted to die just to know what being dead felt like. The sweet nothingness of eternal sleep overjoyed my tormented mind as it does now still. Whenever my obsessive fears overwhelme me and my moods become especially bad...the only little hope and peace I have is NOT heaven or God (because God has so far prolonged my mental turmoil) but death...AH death is sure to come someday and only then will I feel nothing which is the one thing I desire more than riches, gold, world power and domination! What disturbs me now more than usuall however and haunts me whenever I tuck myself into bed for the night is the fact that I cannot escape God now (after I exist) there is NO escape no matter what I do; I cannot speed up dying by killing myself because I would have existed within this world at one time or another in God's eyes and he's unfortunatly resurrect me in the end of time. I cannot just die of natural causes when I'm old and grey and remain in the grave forever because again God will arrive and I'll be resurrected which is something I wanted to avoid. In fact I wanted to avoid living, God, Heaven, everlasting life altogether and yet God in his almighty power took it upon himself to form my pathetic body and bring me into this world if I liked it or not! For that I am bitter and for that I will always look upon God and heaven with contempt because I NEVER asked to live in this world or the next and nor do I want to. Why would God just assume that I would...if he sees all he must have seen centuries before the choas circling within my mind and felt the hatred I sometimes have for him. If he saw all of that, what motive did he have to bring me into a life I never wanted and would detest him for? I've always had a problem with religion, with God, heaven, hell...the devil! All my life I was taught that God was the good guy, the devil the bad and if I do good deeds, think good thoughts and surpress every human emotion I have than someday this life shall pass and we'll all happily live in heaven forever and forever and forever! But what if I never wanted heaven? I never have wanted it, I somehow believed that is what good Christains strive to attain but I never wanted it for myself...and is it fair that I (an innocent babe at one time, aswell as everyone else) should be cast into a controversy which is between God and Satan? I never asked to be born in God's world and I never asked to be tempted or hunted by Satans evil power. I always felt that religion put me in an impossible position where I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and I am angry about it because I never asked nor wanted it. We're like playthings, God's experiment to who shall chose evil over what is decent and good; while I chose neither. I don't want either...now all supernatural and divine beings leave me in peace, allow me to live my little miserable life you placed here and once I'm through living leave me as I am-DEAD! Because I do NOT want your heaven or your hell...I never wanted what you thrust me into and its selfish that you expect me to chose which path of life to lead and then chose where I am to go in the end of time! Now back to death, dying and non-existance. I remember a time when I did not exist; I knew of nothing, not of God, not of disease and suffering...not of anything and I consider that the happiest time of my life because it was when I became to exist that all my troubles began. You may think I sound spoiled but that would be thinking in a material sense...when I'm not speaking of such. My troubles have always been in my mind; no matter if I was rich or poor, in a castle or a dumpster simply existing in my mind is beyond torment! I do not like the feeling of existing, to feel my body, to think and to know is a torture I cannot describe and as a child I found that sensation a curiosity but I have come to hate it and wish it dead. I wish me dead aswell...if only just to cease that feeling of existing! I envy the dead so much...their silent graves, their no longer beating hearts...birds singing above them in the world they no longer dwell in. It must be so beautiful to return to that non-existing state from which they once came. I cannot wait to join them so I can share such a harmonic feeling which is something I have not known in life. This inability to escape God though keeps me up at night because he shall even deny me the grave, that peace I have lived to die for...he too will take away and cast me either to the flames of hell or an everlasting life. Honestly I don't know which is worse because to be in existance forevermore is a nightmare beyond description too me. I've waited too long to experience the nothingness of death, only for it to be taken from in by heaven! No. If hell awaits then at leased I will be assured that someday I will die and be gone forever! That the peace I longed for will come to pass.

"Upper-Crust"

You know-despite my pride and often cocky opinions about a wide range of subjects...I have to admit that I could never get along with upper-class society! Massive houses that no one lives in since its just to show the average Joe just how much they are failing at every task in life and how much they themselves are succeeding! Having wealth isn't the sin the Bible speaks of...I believe; Its the flaunting of it and shoving the "YOU SUCK" message down everyone Else's throat that is really the evil deed here. Like, do you really want to feel like a loser every time you walk into BayView mall in Toronto just because your not wearing a suit a tie that costs more than your car or a pathetic boa made out of fox fur (which mind you SCREAMS I am rich and have stepped on everyone in my way to get here including this poor animal that now hangs around my neck!) Its a free country and I can go anywhere I please...I know that! but fucking hell there are some places the Low-life's do not dare roam because you are made to feel unwelcome. If you show your face in Bayview mall dressed in something that costs less than a thousand dollars an entire chain reaction occurs and every snot-faced woman and prick of a man turns around to take a rare glimpse of what the cat dragged in.
I find that most (if not all) people who hold any amount of wealth or position (such as a CEO) are such fake and pretence people. Its not that I've spent tons of time hanging about with them because believe me I'm the man who stands on the other side of the track from them but I've had the pleasure of observing a few high stationed men in Walmart once flocking about and bossing around the employees as if they were their personal servants... and their behaviour towards everyone else (who was common and not within their prickish circle) confirmed in my opinion that most (again IF NOT ALL) people of that category are absolutely snobbish assholes who think themselves better than everyone else. Well NEWSFLASH people, we all eat, we all sleep and we all shit...that's a human thing that we all have in common and about the only thing I have in common with people like that because I have morals, I have a heart and I am actually living in reality unlike those folks in high fashion suits.
Since walking around in a dull-ass art gallery holding a glass of champagne and chatting utter nonsense (unless its about how to rip someone else off) isn't actually what I call reality. I find that more people of "better-means" spend more time immersing themselves in projects and conventions they couldn't care less about...their only there to see and be seen and find gossip about some arch rival they have a grudge against.
Even the food they eat is folly bollocks that no one in his right mind would consume! I made up a list for fun of all the exotic food I hear rich people (or famous chefs) eat and I haven't come across a half palatable thing yet! Prosciutto is as tough as shoe leather...in fact I think I've eaten shoes that were softer. Squid-who on heavens earth would eat a leg with suckers on it...I found a fucking squids body swimming in my salad bowl, like that just isn't a natural thing to find when you're eating! Give me the auld food of the pilgrims any day , at least what they ate was normal and it never mooed or winked at you while you were eating it.
I have to laugh though at all this crap about "Italian made leather" or "cotton from Egypt" on the shopping channel. People nowadays seem to be so fixated on "Italian" this or some "hoo-haw" that but what difference does it make? Who the hell cares if its "Italian Made Leather" what is so great about Italian leather...do their cows have softer Hyde's then ours?
We're so obsessed with imported goods and all things exotic and Italian or down right weird that we can't seem to accept what is normal anymore. Fruit with eyeballs and hair have become a common sight and is now found at your local food store! Why should any of us be interested in exotic imports of any kind...if we're so interested in that, why don't we just take a look in the mirror since our ancestors were imports too from far away lands who didn't want them anymore! I'm a fine Canadian made from Irish Imports...there now I'm no less (or more) important than Italy's over-salted pork!
Are our lives that boring that we have to find some strange animal and eat it just to see if it possessed some poison venom and death is surly assured in no time? What is so wrong in just living?? Find some joy in simple life, lay down on the cool grass and feel your lungs go up and down when breathing, listen to the birds sing...since that is reality and that is life. NOT all this crap that's "imported" or art-galleries full of people looking down their noses at you. All of that shall and will pass when human life and normal everyday family, the common Joe won't. Its enduring and I wouldn't trade it for the world!